The Plunge

I still can't quite believe it, but I'm taking the plunge: I'm leaving my job to be with my kids -- 2 ¾-year-old twins Nini and Desmond -- full-time.

Today was my last day at United for Peace and Justice, the antiwar group I've worked for since before the war began.

I'm excited and nervous, the way one is before any major new undertaking, with a strong undercurrent of apprehension.

For starters, I'm not quite sure how to describe what I'm about to do, or be.

The conventional term, "stay-at-home mom," makes me want to flee, or hurl, or both.

Stay at home?

Well, sometimes, when the weather is bitterly cold or impossibly hot.

When we've got a nice big cardboard box to turn into a fort, or a sailing ship, or a cave filled with scary wild animals. When we want to have big, messy painting sessions, reveling in the pleasures of gesture and color.

When we want to snuggle together on the sofa with a massive stack of books. When we've got a big plastic bin full of rhinestones and want to scoop and pour and fill, delighted by all the sparkle and the lovely plinking sounds.

For those sorts of things, yes, I will stay at home with the kids.

But mainly I envision myself as a go-out-and-explore mom.

A travel-all-around-the-city mom. A visit-lots-of-museums mom. A ride-the-Staten-Island-ferry mom. A squeal-on-the-rides-at-Coney-Island mom.

And even more so, a play-outdoors mom. A splash-in-puddles mom. A hunt-for-bugs mom.

And a travel-everywhere-we-can mom. A drive-to-the-organic-blueberry-patch mom. A wander-along-the-seashore mom.

But definitely, most definitely, not a stay-at-home mom.

Since I decided to take this step in part to opt out from formal preschooling, I could call myself a homeschooler, or a home preschooler. But there's that "home" problem again.

Or, since there's much about the philosophy of unschooling that appeals to me -- the notion of letting children learn from life, rather than a classroom, of following their lead and interests rather than imposing a curriculum -- I could, and sometimes do, call myself an "unpreschooler."

But hardcore unschoolers -- the folks who think you should impose no constraints on your children, who think playing nothing but video games is a fine way for a kid to spend a day -- can be far too naive about power, culture, and marketing. There are multi-billion dollar corporations dedicated to capturing children's attention in the name of profit. Small children's imaginations can only be free when they are sheltered, to some reasonable degree, from the corporate interests that seek to colonize them.

So what should I call myself as I enter this new phase of my life?

Hell if I know.

But as I leave my work as an activist and organizer to spend my time playing and parenting, I'm pondering the incredibly sweet words of one of my peace-movement colleagues, who sent me the note excerpted below:

I have such mixed feelings about your leaving UFPJ. I will miss you and the great work you have done; I will miss seeing the kids. On the other hand your description of the "work" you will be doing with them sounds absolutely wonderful and right. I prefer to think that you are moving to the front lines of peace making. Raising children who look at life with wonder and hope, who see the beauty of our world and the diverse populations who grace it, who know that love is what holds up the world and are free to love and be loved in return, that is peace work of the highest order.

So, onto this new adventure.